Well, that was easy…got your attention with just three letters. Those three letters, combined together in that order, have pretty much as much power as the three words that make us shudder saying…I love you.
Many require love to have sex. Many don’t. Why is it such a push and pull thing…why can’t they be mutually exclusive AND enjoyable?
Hmmmm…studies have proven that sex is a natural and healthy exploration of ones being. Yet, many choose celibacy. Maybe it’s really not a choice. Maybe, in the case of married people who don’t have sex any longer,they just don’t like their partner. They tolerate each other and feel that there is no alternative. Maybe one partner has simply decided not to participate any longer, and the other stays for numerous reasons…the fear of being alone, the fear of losing financial status, the fear of, well, so many things.
Yet science has proven that a solid sex life strengthens relationships, keeps us healthier physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. regardless of the relationship definition; marriage, dating or simply the exploration/expression of their humanity. Humans are the only species who have sex for the hell of it, because it just feels so damn good and is so much damn fun. Proven that the loss of that aspect in relationships extinguishes vulnerability and intimacy. So we settle.
But so many of us simply can’t talk about it. The same way we can’t talk about other natural bodily functions…look at how taboo the subject of going to the bathroom is. We wonder why there is so much aggression in the world, why so many have lost their groove in life in general? When we were kids we never thought we couldn’t talk about going to the bathroom; it was taught.
I recently had a conversation with someone who has projected his lifestyle choices on me. Has said many times that he hoped I would be as “happy” as he in a “committed relationship,” yet they have not had sex in over a decade. To me, that’s not happy, it’s settling for a false security. Mentioned that I was going to see a man I haven’t seen in a few years. Said we had dated in the past. For whatever reason, he needed to know if we had “actually dated” or had a few dates. Damn, that was confusing! At what point does something go from “a few dates” to “actually dating?” Three? Four? I have had long term relationships (which for the purposes here, I will define as longer than six months) in which true intimacy and vulnerability never really occurred…married to one for nine years and never really ever felt intimate and/or vulnerable, but one significant relationship which was five months yet felt the deepest levels of vulnerability and intimacy I believe I ever will. So how does “time” become a measurement? Is it something we need, to feel justifiable? I have known some people, men AND women, for less than twenty-four hours and shared deep intimacies yet never saw that person again. Humans for whatever reason need to measure significancy in what we make up as time. It works for us that way.
I don’t like being judged for my lifestyle choices. I don’t like having to justify myself or my choices to anyone nor do I wish to be psychoanalyzed by anyone who believes themselves to exist on a higher spiritual plane or thinks I may benefit from their “observations said with love.” It sure don’t feel like love to me. When told that a behavior of mine is being brought to my attention “with love” and that I am “attaching meanings to their observations,” well….that’s a rather convenient way of deflecting responsibility for judgement. Just sayin’….
Life ain’t easy; nor are relationships of any kind. We are complicated beings and need to use markers to hold us steady. But come on. We are all here trying to figure shit out.